she was so not down for the gang bang
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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