I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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