What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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