After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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