The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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