Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
