Your mouth is God's brothel.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
