I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
