After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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