Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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