I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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