there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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