yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
