Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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