thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
