Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i love accidental penises.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
