I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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