Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
