im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
