WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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