I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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