You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
