one two three fourrrrnication!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
