There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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