Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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