I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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