I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
