I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
