Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
