im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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