Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
