just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
