How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
