We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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