I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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