nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
