I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize