dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
