I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
false alarm, still single
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize