I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
