do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
