we have pet lesbian snakes
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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