Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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