I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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