I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
