thus making me awesome and them whores
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
