Where did you get a picture of my penis
True but thats because hes a fetus.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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