ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize