I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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