remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
