i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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