He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
