Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
