why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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