i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
