There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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