You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
