By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They took my balls.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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