3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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