Where did you get a picture of my penis
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
